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Written on February 8th, 2010
1) I can’t get the gas pump to work without squeezing the trigger myself. I know there is some little mechanism that does it for you, so you can walk away or whatever, but I can’t figure it out.
2) I can’t change the vacuum cleaner bags
3) I can’t get the padded cushion off the high chair to wash it, or put it back on once it is clean
4) I can’t program car radio stations. I have to seek and scan and all that.
5) I can’t use the right side of a bank/pharmacy where they have those hydrolic tube deals. I will wait in the line by the window for an hour rather than use that thing.
6) I can’t French braid.
Don’t bother trying to tell me how easy it is to do this shit. I don’t want to know. Being ignorant keeps me humble.
Written on February 6th, 2010
I like celebrity gossip as much (or more) than the next person, but I rarely buy any magazines to get a fix. I watch shit like E! News or whatnot for that. People Magazine sent me a card saying I could receive six free copies as a Christmas gift so I accepted.
What KILLS me is the people who take the time to write a letter to the editor either praising or arguing about certain articles or celebrities. Every magazine, even TV Guide, has their “Mail Bag” or whatever, and they print some of the letters.
Joan K. in Baltimore was “moved to tears when she read about the Jonas Brother wedding! How nice to see such a lovely couple begin their new life together!”
Seriously, Joan?? You were moved to TEARS???? Hey, I love weddings, but a) you weren’t THERE, and b) you’re a grown woman and you give a shit about one of the Jonas Brothers?? You MUST be an adult, and likely in your fifties, because there is no one under 30 named Joan.
Teresa S. in Nashville “was having a really bad day until she got home and found her copy of People waiting for her and stared into Patrick Dempsey’s beautiful blue eyes! Thanks for putting him on the cover! I’ll keep this edition forever!”
Yo, Teresa: Friendly piece of advice–alternate hands while you masturbate to Patrick’s picture. Otherwise, one side will be all crumpled and will ruin the integrity of the shot.
David P. in Orlando wrote, “Betty White proved that she is still classier than any of the young Hollywood starlets at the SAG awards. These young women should take a lesson from a real lady. Even at 80-plus years old she is still beautiful.”
David: I am guessing you do a mean Betty White at the drag shows.
Damn, and I thought dicking around on KCL was a waste of time.
Written on February 5th, 2010
My brother.
**sigh**
He is a kind of aimless guy, as far as careers go. He has it all together otherwise, but he can’t quite figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.
He’s 37.
He has always dreamed of being a rock star, and he called the other day just bursting with the news that he has his first paying gig–at his very own hotel, no less!
He manages an exclusive hotel in Malibu, and will be singing in one of the lounges on Friday nights with a Real Live Star.
No, not Beyonce.
No, not Pink, or even Daughtry.
He will be accompanied by the one and only…um..whats-his-name, the pianist for Rod Stewart.
If that isn’t impressive enough, he gets to PAY for the privilege. That’s what is meant by “paying gig,”–he has to actually pay whats-his-name to play piano FOR him.
And, he is willing to do it.
**sigh**
I wish he’d just stick to online ministry and surfing.
Written on February 5th, 2010
**raises eighth cup of coffee**
Here’s to hoping you have a fantastic, drama-free year. I hope all your tenants are OCDish about cleanliness, and that their dogs are not only housebroken, but toilet trained. I hope they are all vegans so they won’t eat your food, and teetotalers so they won’t drink your beer.
Happy Birthday, my friend.
This week has sucked, and is still sucking. I don’t really see an end to the suckage that is going on, so I probably won’t be around much because I don’t have anything to say. As always, I expect all of you to fuck with Steve. Do not disappoint me.
I am woefully behind on y’alls journals (amazing how that happens after just a day or two) so I am not going to read anything from yesterday. “Start fresh!” That’s my motto. Please, dear ones, make it worth my while and give me something to look forward to. I need some laughs.
Speaking of laughs, have y’all read anything by David Sedaris?? God, that dude is funny. He told a story about having his IQ tested, and said that when he got his results he was depressed to see that if you put his number in dollars, you could buy about three buckets of fried chicken. That one sentence alone has given me the chuckle that I have needed the past few days. So, thanks David! Now, he has done his part, so y’all get on it.
Written on February 4th, 2010
I’m going to do it.
I’m going to sell my mink.
I need to have it cleaned/restored, and have the lining fixed, but it is worth about 7K so even though this process will be expensive, it will be a good investment.
I never wear the stupid thing–maybe once or twice a year. It seems silly to have it just taking up space that could be filled with countless mismatched snow boots in our hall closet.
Y’all can have first crack at this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!
A mink jacket makes a lovely Valentine’s gift. Just sayin.
Written on February 3rd, 2010
Yes, one of the greatest shows ever is back, and Autumn and I watched last night. Since Forest is MIA I don’t have anyone to discuss it with, unless Jewels pops in.
Did anyone else watch it??
It just reaffirmed my idea that I never, ever want to go to New Jersey.
Waiting to hear from the body shop about the estimate for my car. Last night it was only $1500, and that was for new parts. WTF? I begged the lady to pad the estimate, and she can’t. So now it will be around a grand to fix, and we are paying half of it. $500 to fix an eleven year old car that will probably die in two weeks. I was really hoping the damage was more expensive, so State Farm would total the car and give us a check so we could get a new/used car, but no. Such is my fucking luck.
Matt will be home around noon. He is worn out and has damn near been working around the clock. It has been an incredibly stressful week, with cars and sick kids and all that shit, and he has been super stressed, too. Maybe everything will calm down now, and if not, at least he will be here and we can handle it together.
I have a ton of shit to do today, so y’all make sure and torment Steve in my absence. He must be kept in check. It is crucial to KCL…nay, society.
Written on February 2nd, 2010
Laurel and I were watching the news and the topic of breast enlargement came up, so I quickly changed channels. Not quick enough, though:
Laurel: Why are boobs so important to men? I mean, I can understand belly buttons. Belly buttons are awesome.”
Written on February 2nd, 2010
**does happy dance**
**decides the happy dance is stupid and does the sprinkler instead**
**realizes that’s even worse and is glad no one is here to witness my shame**
Okay, sing it with me, to the tune of “Pants on the Ground,” (because, you know, no one is sick of that song yet.):
Monkey in the house!
Monkey in the house!
Everybody’s happy cuz Monkey’s in the house!!
I love, love, LOVE Troy and I have missed her so much. She has not been able to sign in yet but she is around and will eventually get logged in. Hopefully, she will convince Bree to join, as well. DAMN I’ve missed those two! And, I miss Dylan.
Welcome aboard, Monkey!! I’m telling you, you made my day yesterday. THRILLED to be in touch!!! Bree, if you are also lurking, I love you and miss you! Hope you kicked some serious ass in Iraq.
Written on February 1st, 2010
I took the girls to the doc, and when we left (armed with about ten different prescriptions) we discovered what was LEFT of my car.
Some dick had hit it, knocked the front end off, and split.
No witnesses, but there were some people who were so incredibly helpful to me, and I am in their debt. While I stood there crying and shaking, one dude took pix, and sent them to Matt’s phone. Someone else called the cops. Another person checked to see if there was surveillance in the parking lot–no.
So, we’re fucked. I have great insurance, but we still have a $500 deductible and we are broke because Y’ALL made me go buy Matt a shitload of new clothes last week. Thanks, guys.
One of the good samaritans told me he would take all four of us anywhere we needed to go, and I was like, “But I have to get prescriptions and stuff, and you don’t need to be carting us around on errands.”
They decided that after pix were taken, they would just pull the bumper/grill off so I could drive it home. Man, they were nice.
I hugged them all when we left, and just bawled because their kindness calmed me down and kept me from being hysterical. Our other car is currently parked at the Louisville airport, awaiting Matt’s return.
So, now we deal with State Farm, and will hopefully be in a rental by tomorrow.
Yes, it sucks to be us, but at least no one was hurt.
I want it on record that anyone who hits and runs is a total dick, and bad karma should befall them.
Written on February 1st, 2010
…but, she put on a HELL of a show at the Grammy’s last night. My jaw literally dropped. That girl was awesome. Who knew she could bust out a Cirque de Soleil type performance, and sing (allegedly) while doing it? I was way impressed. And the body on that girl?? DAY-UM!!!!!!
Her husband is still a tool, though.
Also, the Taylor Swift/Stevie Nicks duet??? BOOOO!
I think Taylor is a lovely young woman–not the greatest vocalist in the world but she’s okay. She did not do “Rhiannon” justice, but then, no one can BUT Stevie. It would have been nice if Stevie’s mic was turned up so that we could fucking HEAR her, but whatever. No one consulted me. It pained me to hear (barely) Stevie sing “You Belong With Me,” but she was a good sport and was very gracious about it.
I was happy to see Kings of Leon win, even though I don’t like the song, “Use Somebody.” I’m all snobby about KoL, because I have been a fan since way before they made it big, and thus, I have the right to turn up my nose and say, “Well, it’s an okay song for MAINSTREAM, but “Slow Night, So Long” was way better.”
I’m off to take the girls to the doctor, and I’m guessing they both have strep. FUCK!
Have a good day, everyone.
Evilfury