Welcome
Pro Status
No Expiration
Help Decide
Archive Calendar
Blogroll
No Expiration
Written on May 31st, 2009
For the sake of convenience, MotherFury will henceforth be known as “MF”, and I have to point out that she is not really my mother. A Fury, to be sure, but not my own mom (who I love tons and is likely reading this).
MF suffers from social phobia that rivals that of our own beloved Simon. She rarely makes public appearances for any reason, and truly only reluctantly attended her own son’s wedding. In order for her to gather the courage to walk outside her door and be around people for any reason, she needs medication, alcohol, and/or a friend for support. The shower was thrown for her son’s wife, who is expecting their first baby. They have been married for almost seven years, so this little girl is eagerly anticipated. I went along because of my love for her son, as well as to offer my support to MF.
We got to the home where the shower was held, and while it was a breathtakingly beautiful house, it was one of those that didn’t feel very “homey” to me…but that’s just me. I am no decorator, and in fact have a life sized poster of Eminem hanging in our kitchen, so what the fuck do I know?
The other women who attended the shower were as sterile and perfect as the house–everyone seemed very uptight and cold, with the exception of maybe one or two chicks. Not MY kinda broads, but again, what the fuck do I know? MF was instantly intimidated and nervous. I wasn’t either of those things, but I was almost instantly bored to death and annoyed with everyone there. But, my mother reared me right, and I do have some social graces, so off we go to mingle,…MF glued to my side. We had each other, and that was cool.
The hostess announced that we could help ourself to drinks at the bar…SA-WEET! We had discussed the possibility that maybe it would be one of THOSE showers, where no alcohol is served. We agreed that not having at least wine at a party of any kind is bullshit. I realize that the guest of honor can’t drink, but by God, alcohol was served at every baby shower my friends threw for me, and I was happy about it, because although I couldn’t have it was no reason for THEM to suffer. Goddamnit, I expect the same courtesy.
MF and I wink at each other and sped to the bar, only to find out that by “bar” the hostess meant “a table on which to serve boring ass drinks that nobody likes”. Ginger ale? Seriously? I’ll call you next time I have crippling diarrhea, but until then, no thanks. Smoothies?? Sweet tea?? Jesus. Our winks quickly turned to identicle expressions of horror, because we knew that not only did we have to endure the shower, but we would have to do it sober.
Defeated, we sat on the floor and ate our fruit kabobs. And miniature quiches. And veggies with dip. The usual.
MF was on her best behavior for about an hour, as was I, and we shot the shit with various boring people and smiled and nodded and laughed demurely at their woefully unfunny comments. I ran into my old Sunday School teacher, who proceeded to bore the piss out of me for about 45 minutes. I saw MF begin to prowl the room, looking like a caged animal. We needed to get this show on the road–poor dear was going to blow.
Mercifully, the time came for the mother-to-be to open her gifts. She opened my gift basket first, which was cool, because it stole the thunder from the other two women who brought baskets. Plus, mine was better, so I had that going for me.
After about half an hour of oohing and aahing over the pink booties and Diaper Genie’s, MF loudly suggested, “Can we wrap this up? I have places to be.” The new mom smiled politely but looked at me as if to say, “Can’t you DO something with her??” The answer, dear girl, is “no”, because I agree with her. It’s been three hours!!!! Enough with the handmade quilts! They’re precious, and will serve them well in Chicago, and we can tell they took forever to make, but ENOUGH!
To make a long, boring story short(er), we left as quickly as we possibly could and gossiped the whole way home about how boring and lame everyone was. I have absolutely no doubt that the minute we were gone the general concensus was that our departure was a blessing, indeed. Or, at least, MY departure, because I almost choked on my quiche when I overheard a woman say, “I would never read another Twilight book because the first one was so racy!”
I had to ask, “For real? You thought it was racy? You realize it’s junior fiction, right?” and the woman said, “I don’t know what kind of mother would allow her daughter to read that filth” and I said, “I did.” It’s true–I am not about book burning, and especially books I have read FIRST. It was okay, I guess, but definitely not racy. I don’t remember if they ever even kissed. There was pitifully little action, which is why I never read the rest of the series. The entire time I was reading it I was thinking, “Jesus, Edward! Hit that shit!”. But, it was not to be. From what I understand, they wait until marriage, which is admirable, but I’m not going to read the other 7 or so books just to finally get to the fucking, know what I’m sayin? I totally let my ten year old read it, and watch the movie. She loved it. She was READING. Rock on. So anyway, we politely disagreed about what “sensuous” means, and whether or not the book was racy…considering she was wearing a buttoned down cardigan and panty hose in 85 degree weather, I sort of had the feeling she wouldn’t know “sensuality” if it smacked her upside her head with it’s great big dick.
In my defense, MF agreed with my, even though she has never read the books at all. Cardigan woman couldn’t get away from the likes of us fast enough, since we were so obviously oversexed, and shitty parents on top of it. Good riddance.
Anyway, to make a long, boring story short(er), again, for real this time,…we left and the day took a turn for the better when Jahm came over to hang out with Matty and me, because WHY?
He knew that at Dr. Evil’s house the word “bar” means “the promise of alcohol and as much as your liver can bear”.
The moral of THIS story, kids, is obvious: women who wear pantyhose in late May should probably drink more, and buy a dildo.
Written on May 29th, 2009
A few years ago I was working at an upscale restaurant and a middle aged couple came in. It was a slow day because it was really rainy and shitty outside, so they were my only table. As was often my practice, I shot the shit with them in hopes of charming them so they would give me lots of money.
They mentioned the crappy weather, and I agreed that yeah, it sucked. But, on the bright side, I told them that my daughter was really glad it was raining because they would finally get to put a “rainy day” sticker on her classroom calendar–the first time that school year.
“How sweet!” they exclaimed. “What grade does she teach?”
Written on May 29th, 2009
What the fuck, people??? How are you gonna let this Jahmmy-come-lately dethrone me?? He’s been here for like twenty minutes! I’ve been amongst you for YEARS. What about loyalty? What about appreciation for countless memorable entries such as “Mia Farrow Can Eat Shit” or ,….um…can’t think of another one off the top of my head, but surely there are a few that entertained you. No? FINE! Be that way!!! I didn’t ask for the responsibility of being Number 1!! YOU came to ME!
A lesser person would give up, and fade quietly into blogging obscurity. Not me, nossir. You can just have your precious Jahm, and your beloved Luna, and I will plot my strategy.
The number 1 spot will be mine again, and I am taking everyone down in order to make that happen. Jahm wanted a flow chart describing who is who, and who is with whom, and who is crazy, etc. I am going to make it for him, you bet, but it’s gonna be on MY page. In a complicated series of multi-colored lines, dots, and dashes, I will illustrate the TRUTH about KCLers, and you can bet your ass that you will be among them.
Well, unless I don’t know you. But if I don’t know YOU, then you don’t know ME either, so you wouldn’t be reading me in the first place.
Everyone else: brace yourself.
Written on May 28th, 2009
1) get dressed and ready for a baby shower that is NOT being held in my honor for a goddamned change.
2) attend shower with two of my favorite people on the planet
3) when shower is mercifully over, come back to Dr. Evil’s pad and hang out by the pool with Matt, Jahm, MotherFury and Cherry.
4) wait until a suitable hour to begin drinking–say, two-ish.
5) raid medicine cabinet at first opportunity, and hope like hell Dr. Evil has cleverly tricked his doc into buying his story about severe back pain (again).
6) laugh and laugh while Jahm, Matt and MotherFury’s son argue about anything and everything. Instigate arguments if they are in agreement on hot topics.
7) repeat #6 until I collapse from exhaustion and 300 beers.
Written on May 27th, 2009
1) Kate Gosselin is delusional. During the season premiere she kept whining about having to do everything herself, and having “no help”. She did this even as she was ordering around the nanny and the film crew. “Move that table over there!” and “Bring those chairs here!” she said, then in the same breath, “It’s so hard because I have no help.” Also, if she was so fucking concerned about a few paparazzi, as she claims, she shouldn’t have held her childrens’ birthday party in a public park. They live on 36 acres, and I bet if she had tried she could have found a suitable spot. But then, she wouldn’t have the chance to pretend to be outraged over their intrusion.
2) I ate way too much crap over the weekend and I’m mad at myself. Now I have to eat nothing but peas for three days. Shit.
3) I am ready for school to be out. I’m tired of backpacks and lunchboxes and dress codes.
4) Can we all harrass and annoy Simon until he reposts his brilliant essay about the spammer?? If we work together, as a team, I bet he’ll do it. That thing is a classic.
5) I’m looking forward to this weekend. I get to see some of my crew, and Jahm and Matt will have fun watching the kids swim no matter how put-upon Jahm is acting. 
And Jahm, I will be more than happy to pound beers with YOU, too! Having Janster there is just an added bonus.
Written on May 26th, 2009
I am so happy you’re here. Seriously. I knew you’d dig it, and I’m glad you ARE.
You are a breath of fresh air and are already becoming very popular (like I knew you would).
I love you to death–you know I do–and this is a great way to stay in touch.
Before I forget, Steve is so gay he makes Adam Lambert look like…um, some really straight dude.
Who’s the straightest guy EVER?
Yes, Doc, Chuck Norris is absolutely straight. But besides him? Bruce Willis?
Written on May 25th, 2009
I never claimed to be a great writer. I don’t usually write about personal things, like our marriage or our family, or any problems that may arise. I tend to keep that part of me separate. I appreciate that a lot of y’all DO share, though, and it makes me happy that you might get some comfort or advice from friends here.
I blog because sometimes someone is having a shitty day, and they might wander over to my pitiful neck of the woods, and just MAYBE I will have written something sort of funny. Sometimes, it makes that person laugh, and forget for just a minute that they have problems. The joke is usually on ME, and that’s cool. Just as often, it’s on STEVE, and that’s even cooler. He can take it, and I certainly can, too. So if laughing at us make fun of each other, and witnessing the spectacle as I shred him time and time again, distracts you for even a second, then my work here is done.
THAT is why I do it. Blogging is not cathartic for me like it is some of you, but by God, calling Steve “gay” puts a smile on MY face, so I have to assume it does some of you, as well.
Written on May 25th, 2009
A lady in California was furious that someone ran over and killed her cat, so she stuck a sign in her yard that reads, “Hit my cat I’ll hit your kid!”
Every single “cat person” I’ve ever known has been extremely high strung and uptight. If YOU are a cat person, and don’t feel like that is an accurate description, please don’t take offense. When I think “cat person”, I think “ex mother in law” and trust me, if you knew her, you would see where I’m coming from. I’m not making a broad generalization–just pointing out that the ones I have known are kinda whack.
Ex MIL was one of those who say stupid shit like, “Cats are people, too!”. Seriously. Cats are not people. Cats are cats, and nothing more. I don’t happen to like cats, but certainly understand that tons of folks do. I’m a dog lover, but would never blur the line between doting on a pet and flat-out insanity by claiming that “dogs are people, too”. I get that some people love their pets as they would a child…that’s cool, I guess. We love our dog August. He’s a great dog and definitely part of the family, but he is NOT a person. He is a dog, and nothing more, and sheds too fucking much.
So this crazy ass is basically threatening to run over someone’s CHILD the way her precious cat was run over. In her defense, I would be furious if someone ran over our dog…especially if they drove on like nothing had happened. A few years ago I accidentally hit a cat, and felt horrible about it. There was only one house nearby, so I pulled into their driveway and knocked on the door. When the dude answered, I burst into tears and told him I hit his cat. He wasn’t happy about it, and I didn’t blame him for being upset, but I had to let him know that I was sorry. I didn’t just drive on like nothing had happened. Any “hit and run” is a dick move, in my opinion.
So this lady sees this as an “eye for an eye” sort of deal, which tells me she is crazy because she thinks cat=child. As we’ve established, kids, cats are NOT people. How dare this bitch threaten to harm a kid? How dare anyone EVER threaten a kid, no matter how mad they are?? When I was about five months pregnant our crazy neighbor came over screaming at me because I wasn’t picking up her kid for school anymore. That Goddamned Logan was bullying my kids and being a little bitch to ME, too, so guess what? WALK, babe. Stand in the fucking rain for all I care–I took her to the bus stop for a whole year and put up with her crap, but once my girls were hurt by her and I was over her, the free rides stopped. And that was my prerogative. I didn’t HAVE to take her in the first place, and didn’t need TGL’s crazy mom yelling at me for not continuing to do her a favor when she had been nothing but shitty to me since we moved here. Anyway, I told this bitch that I did not have to take her kid to the busstop, and maybe if her kid treated people better then they would be more likely to do her favors. She screamed, “I hope your baby dies!”. Can you believe that shit?? She hopes my baby DIES because I wouldn’t go out of my way to do her a solid?? Fuck her. Autumn and Laurel heard her, and were scared. They were both like, “what’s wrong with her????” and I just told them that she had some issues and to stay away from her. I mean, come ON!
So this California bitch and her sign: if we lived in her neighborhood, I would call the cops and have her arrested for making threats. You cannot ever threaten a child and think it’s okay, and especially over something like a dead cat. Life goes on, lady. Getcha another cat, have it fixed so it won’t wander, and move on. Period.
Written on May 24th, 2009
These were taken at Pastor Larry’s church–LOVE the ones of him smiling at Matt.
Written on May 22nd, 2009
And yes, we are a family here, and as such, I love each and every one of you.
I’m sure you are all aware of the false charges being brought against me by easysleeper. I maintain my innocence! I did NOT kill bigbadjohn in order to forever “be in charge”. It just so happens that BBJ has MAYBE gone missing, and I am in charge until his return. That’s all. A coincidence and nothing more.
I trust that Westy will be a fair and reasonable judge, and won’t let the numerous favors I have done for her over the years give her cause for prejudice (coughcoughchickensaladforGermanstrangerscoughcough). I am also sure that in the event the jury is swayed by easysleeper’s slick talk and tricks like copy and paste, she will hand down a lenient punishment. She should remember that her responsiblity as Judge is not one to be taken lightly. I am certain she will not fail in this regard, because although she is beautiful and looks WAY too young to be a grandmother, she is an incredibly smart woman.
I also trust that the rest of you will remember all the wonderful times we have shared here at KCL, and will remember that Jury Duty is a sacred privilege…unless you hate me, and then you can go to hell. Wait! Did I say that out loud?? Hahahahaha–KIDDING!!!! Kidding of course. I meant only that you can be released from Jury Duty with my best wishes.
If you REALLY hate me, then I expect my crack legal team of Corvus, Jahm, and Pastor Larry will insist you be excused. DrStrangelove has been absent today and is unaware of my need for his services, but I have every reason to believe he will step up to the plate.
I love you, KCL.
Evilfury