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Written on November 30th, 2009
As I’ve mentioned, my brother is the manager for two exclusive hotels in Beverly Hills. Actually, I think one is in Beverly Hills and the other is in Malibu. Hell, I don’t know. Anyway, he runs into lots of celebrities and gave me the low down on who sucks and who is awesome.
Awesome:
Arnold Schwarzanegger
Tim Robbins
Steve Perry
Stephen Colbert
Reba Macintyre
Sandra Bullock
Michael Douglas
Asshole:
Maria Shriver
Catherine Zeta Jones
Andrew McCarthy (and Dave said he is gay as hell–never knew that.)
Matthew Perry
John Cusack (sorry, Luna)
Heidi and Spencer Pratt (duh). They wanted a free room, for no reason other than they felt they were too important to pay for it. Because my bro is awesome, he pretty much told them that they reserve complimentary rooms for actual celebrities, and not C-list Nobodies.
I want to go stay at his hotel so bad and watch him interact with some of these clowns.
Written on November 29th, 2009
I took the girls to see “New Moon” on Friday. It was okay, I guess, if you are into mopey teenage girls and entirely-too-chaste love scenes.
As someone who has done the whole “bad boy” thing, I can totally get behind Team Jacob. He’s the good guy–the loyal friend who is underappreciated and will always be loved, but “not in that way.” I’ve had a lot of Jacob’s in my day, and I finally got smart and married the very best of them. I think most women come to the realization that the good guys really ARE better than the shitheads. You’d think that would be a no-brainer, but more women than not are attracted to assholes, and catch on too late that the great guy who adored her would have been PERFECT for her, had he not finally moved on to some lucky girl who saw how awesome he is.
I know for a fact that there is a lonely woman out there named Abbi who is positively kicking herself in her fat ass for not snatching Matt up when she had the chance. I told her a million times that she was crazy not to be with him, and in fact gave the ultimatum: If you don’t take him, I will.
And I did. 
Best. Decision. Ever.
Written on November 25th, 2009
Because of your diligence in clicking on the ads, we have been shut down from Google. Apparently they expect every click to generate actual purchases (hahahahahaha!!!) so they took our Google ads away.
So, because of your loyalty to Matt, and your fierce appreciation of the site, now you will have to find somewhere else to get your home c-section kits.
Really, would it have killed any of you to BUY the damned c-section kit? Or to be ordained online? Or to learn how to lose belly fat in three days??
The good news is that we won’t be nagging about ad clicks, as there won’t be any. The BAD news, is that I didn’t have the heart to tell Sugarcane that if ad clicks dwindled during our absence we would blame HER.
This sucks. These Google checks have kept us up and running, and now they are gone. BOOOO!!
BUT! Never fear, dear friends. We can keep the site afloat without you having to purchase your own defibrilator online. It just may be a while before more updates are made.
KCL truly is the little engine that could, and we will keep plugging along. No changes will be made to anyone’s page–what you see now is what you get. The only dilemma is that we do NOT get a Google check anymore. Fuckers.
I think it is a lovely testament to y’alls loyalty that you clicked so often that Google got suspicious and realized no revenue was being generated, so they shut us down.
I thank all of you for that. It means a lot to us
Say it with me, “Fuck you, Google!”
Written on November 25th, 2009
Pup, my love, I hope you have the greatest birthday ever, and I hope that Jax sleeps the whole way to your sisters. I cherish you, and you know that.
Andi, I am so happy you have been around more often. I dig you so much and think you’re awesome, and I am proud to have you as a friend. Happy Birthday, pretty lady.
Everyone else, have a great Thanksgiving. We are outta here tomorrow morning (God help us) and will be out of touch.
So, Sugarcane is in charge. Y’all mind her!!!!!!
I bid you all peace and joy, and hope that your holiday is great. If you are not celebrating either because the occasion doesn’t apply to you or you are in another country, know that I will eat extra turkey FOR you.
Take care, everyone.
Written on November 24th, 2009
I bought the one, and only gift, that I will buy all season today. That’s it. No more.
We are going to Great Wolf Lodge for the holiday instead. Two nights, and leave on Christmas morning. We’ve explained to the girls that it will be way cooler than a bunch of presents they don’t give a shit about.
I’m tired of spending so much money year after year for a bunch of crap they don’t need or want. Matt got them a Wii last year, and they do still play with that, but all of the other shit is at the bottom of their closets. What a waste.
This will be our last year to get away with this, though, because Brad will be getting into Santa and we’ll have to play by the rules. And really, there isn’t much that is more exciting than waiting for Santa when you are young. It’s fun to watch your kids being excited, and it’s especially fun to torment them with threats of calling Santa if they misbehave.
Such a devout believer in Santa was I that anytime after about Valentine’s Day, all my parents had to do was say, “Santa’s watching!” and the shit stopped.
So, any KCLers in the Cincinnati area? We’ll be there on the 23rd and 24th. We’ve been before and it is awesome, but we’re hearing reports of INDOOR SNOW. How cool is that??
Don’t forget to fill out the questionnaire the lovely German Vixen has posted if you are doing SecretSanta!
Written on November 23rd, 2009
Matt set up the one that is up now, and he is fixing all the comments and all that other crap that you crazy kids are so into. He is also working on a layout.
BUT! German Vixen will also be setting one up when her internet is back up and running, and hers will undoubtedly kick ass, so be sure to check hers out, too. She will post questionnaires so that people can give/get clues. I certainly don’t know how to do any of that stuff, so you can hang at mine until hers is ready, if you want.
Have a good week everyone.
Written on November 21st, 2009
I took Laurel to a birthday party at three o’clock, as per the instructions on the invitation. The parents were smart enough to have added an itinerary of the festivities, describing where they were going and what time they would be back, and what time they would serve dinner, and what time the girls would go to bed. They also wisely included “10:00 am–parents pick kids up.” You never want to leave the pick-up time optional. No, after a slumber party, you want the kids gone just as quick as you can get them out the door.
So anyway, I RSVP’d a few days ago and made sure the hostess knew Laurel would be attending (no one does that anymore and it pisses me the hell off.) We got there promptly at 3:00, and the girls set about yelling and shrieking and doing what seven year old girls do. The mom, who seemed lovely and responsible, walked outside with me–only to lose her fucking mind:
She goes, “I am SO pissed off!”
I said, “Wh-wh-what????”
She said, “You won’t believe this. At nine o’clock this morning someone rang the doorbell and woke us up, and when I got to the door there was a little girl standing there in her pajamas holding a suitcase. There was a car parked out front, and the lady driving it waved and drove away.”
I said, “Wh-wh-what?
She tried to flag down the lady who had dropped the kid off without so much as a “how do you do?” but the lady was gone.
The little girl WAS invited to the party, and is a classmate, so her daughter was happy to see her. Unfortunately, the girl did not know her phone number so Mama Bear could call the shitty mother and ask her where the hell she gets off dropping her kid off SIX HOURS EARLY, with her kid still in pajamas and having not had breakfast yet.
Can you IMAGINE???????
She is trying to decide if she should call the cops, or just let it go and wait and see what happens at pick-up time tomorrow. I’m thinking, if that mom isn’t there promptly at ten, if not sooner, then someone should be notified. I mean, that’s abandonment, right?? I will bet any one of you that she doesn’t show up until after noon, if not later.
I will for sure be there at ten (if not sooner) and don’t you know I am looking forward to any fireworks that may go down. Even if the bitch DOES show up at ten, she is still gonna get an earful from Mama Bear, and I fully intend to witness the spectacle.
Seriously, y’all, can you imagine pulling such a dick move?????
Written on November 20th, 2009
Sorry to yammer on about the Daughtry concert, but as the winner of VIP tickets, that is my prerogative.
I got an email from the people promoting the show advising me that I will have two sets of tickets: one for the meet-and-greet (how gay is that???) and one for the actual concert. We also have passes that get us into the VIP area. Fabulous.
BUT.
She said I was to pick up all of the tickets at “willcall.”
What the fuck is WILLCALL???
I asked her, and have not heard back, and now I am all nervous and shit. Is WILLCALL something that everyone but me knows, like FAQ?*
Is it a physical address in Louisville, or is it some online deal where we print the stuff out???
She also said I would be receiving emails from Sony the day before the concert telling me other info. What the hell, man? Are there like secret handshakes and shit??
This is getting on my nerves.
Willcall.
What. The. Fuck.
*As God is my witness, I had no idea it stood for “frequently asked questions” until about six months ago.
Written on November 20th, 2009
This lesson won’t be nearly as entertaining as Lem and FB’s delightful series on internet dating, but is important nonetheless.
When I took the bags of food to the girls’ school yesterday there was ONE can in Laurel’s class box. A can of cream of mushroom soup. This is not cool. No one eats that stuff as soup. It is a base for recipes. If you are going to bother sending something in, then at least send something that YOU would eat. If you are going to send cream of mushroom soup, then you should also send two cans of cut green beans, french fried onions, and a can of condensed milk so they can make green bean casserole.
Don’t send the shit that has been in the back of your own pantry for God only knows how long. You don’t want the creamed corn? Chances are no one else does, either, and just because someone needs a little help doesn’t mean they have lost their palate and have no discerning tastes at all.
I have been hungry. I ate nothing but Ramen noodles for almost a whole year, and I would sooner eat the contents of my vacuum cleaner bag before I would choke that shit down again. I know, I know, some people love it. Matt likes it, in fact. But when you have eaten NOTHING ELSE, trust me, you never want to look at them again. My point is that I do understand what it is like to truly be hungry, and it sucks.
Send complete boxed meals, that require no other ingredients. Assume that they will not have the milk and butter necessary to make blue box mac and cheese, and spring for the good stuff with the cheese sauce included. Send big cans of chili and stew. If you send cans/jars of spaghetti sauce, then also send spaghetti noodles.
Contribute some fruit and vegetables. Fruit cocktail, pineapple, applesauce are good. Most people like those okay. Don’t send a four ounce can of mandarine oranges. I love those things, but they sure don’t go very far. Green beans, peas, corn are generally tolerated by most people, so those are good choices. Don’t send the wax beans with dust on the lid that you found behind your coffee filters.
Everyone likes a treat. Remember, a lot of kids will be enjoying your contribution, so throw in stuff like spaghetti o’s with meatballs or ravioli. Kids can’t help that their folks are having a hard time. I took big boxes of Pop Tarts yesterday, because they are fun and every kid alive will eat them, and they can be eaten cold or toasted. Hot chocolate packets are good, too, because there isn’t much better than hot cocoa on a winter day–especially the kind with marshmallows. It can be mixed with water, too, so if milk isn’t around they still have a treat.
While we’re on the topic of treats: grown ups ALSO like treats. How about some instant International coffees? A can of that lasts forever.
Bottom line: if someone has to go to a food bank in order to eat, then don’t make them feel worse about their situation by giving them the shit you don’t want. Allow them their dignity, and let them know that you seriously want them to enjoy it and not make them feel like they are just helping you clean out your over-crowded pantry.
I’m not lecturing here–not at all. Just sayin. Tis the season, folks. And, giving feels good, even if you can only give a little.
Written on November 19th, 2009
Okay, so L’ville had this homeless shelter called Wayside Christian Mission. It closed for whatever reason, but recently they re-opened an actual hotel and are using it for a shelter. The city planners don’t like this idea (unclear why) so the Wayside people are swearing up and down it is NOT a shelter, but a hotel for paying guests.
Each guest is required to pay one cent per day, and can stay up to 30 days. Then, they can check out and immediately check back in, assuming they have their penny.
Now, I’m all for shelters. I hate the thought of anyone sleeping on a street, especially if they have kids. My uncle was homeless and died behind a garbage dumpster. Yes, he was a drug addict and an asshole who poisoned every relationship he was ever in, including his family ties, but still. No one should die behind a dumpster.
But, a fucking HOTEL? They showed the rooms and they look like any ordinary hotel room you have ever seen, complete with lots of pillows, cable tv, and a private bathroom.
Autumn saw the coverage and said, “OOOh, let’s sell our house and go live THERE!”
Exactly.
Why in the hell would anyone be inclined to actually get a job and a place of their own to stay in if they can stay in a goddamned HOTEL for a penny a day? They even have maid service, if what I heard on the radio is true. They will NEVER leave. It is a large hotel–about seven stories, I believe, so there are tons of rooms.
When asked if ANYONE could get a room in this “hotel for paying guests,” the representative for Wayside Mission said that yes, they could, for $179 a night.
What. The. Hell.
It’s bad enough that people on welfare are getting free cell phones now, but to discourage what little shred of ambition some of these guys might have by setting them up in a nice hotel for THIRTY CENTS A MONTH?
Sorry, but I think that is messed up. I know too many people who are in danger of foreclosure on their homes even as they work several jobs to pay the mortgage. I know people who are forced to get their kids free/reduced meals at school because they simply can’t afford it. The working class always gets screwed, and I think to pamper the homeless is offensive. True, a lot of these people may be down on their luck temporarily and just need a break. But I bet an equal amount are just lazy, crazy, or addicts, like my uncle. He had a college degree and STILL managed to absolutely piss his life away.
Think I’m a bitch if you want. This is just my opinion. Feel free to disagree.
Evilfury