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Posted on: Tuesday 03/14/2017 10:38:39

So my friend Dr. Andy insisted on setting up a gofundme (cringe) page for Autumn and he and his brother Ryan (also one of my oldest friends) were thinking of #s all day.

Some of the top contenders were #glandsgonewild and #helpautumnraiseapimphandtocancer.

My favorite was Gland Gone Wild: Kicking Lethal Cancer Right in the Dick.

Sadly, it had too many characters.


Funny Card

Posted on: Friday 03/10/2017 03:16:31

We've gotten lots of cards in the mail--mostly because Luna is the queen of cards--and they are all awesome and funny, but my friend Cherry wrote Autumn a note:

Hi, Autumn!
 I haven't seen you in many years (your loss!) but I've always had a soft spot for you in my heart.

On to business! First and foremost:

     DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS. They will straight up execute you for cussing there. You must be cautious.

Next, you'll find some items enclosed that I hope will be of use to you in the next few days. (notebooks, pens, etc)
You may wish to write down your observations of Texas (e.g. it's hot here and there are execution facilities on every corner.) Sharpies. They're kinda random but my kid loves em. I thought you might as well. Do not use them to deface public property, or the State of Texas will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.

Sweet girl, I am praying for you and your family and I love you even thought I haven't hung out with you (your loss!) in so long. Stay strong, sister. You have a (very cool) friend in Louisville pulling for you.


My friends are awesome and that includes every one of you. I love you guys.


Okay, So...

Posted on: Friday 03/03/2017 07:32:23

On Tuesday (I think--I am not even positive what month it is) Autumn felt like she had strep so we went to the doc. She did not, nor did she have the flu. Her doc had to gently tell her that the tumors in her throat are possibly causing her pain and that she needs to take her meds and not go to school during flu season. Autumn was bummed about that--she is totally on track to graduate and only has two AP classes which are both online anyway, and the rest of her school day she watches Shameless in the library. The perks of being a senior, right? Anyway, she wants to go to school when she feels up to it. The doc urged caution, explaining her body was compromised and etc.

So on the way home, I was trying to console her and lighten the shitty mood, while she was saying things like, "If I can't work or go to school then that makes me pathetic and it's embarrassing."

Because I am me, and inappropriate at almost all times, I said, "Look, Autumn. The flu is nothing to fuck around with when you are NOT sick with a rare cancer. It KILLS people. Lesser people, but still. This cancer is like a great white shark. Do you want to be remembered as the chick who got her ass kicked by a fucking shark, or the chick who cut her foot on a shell on her way to the beach, then got an infection, and died of sepsis? Which is cooler? If you MUST have your ass handed to you then at LEAST let it be the cancer and not the stupid flu. It's too lame. We'll have to lie and say you died of AIDS."

She was kind of crying in the back seat and she was quiet for a second, and I was thinking, "Great. I've broken her." Then she started chuckling. Then laughing. Then we were both laughing. It felt great. So she has agreed to stay home at least during flu season. :)

Going to MD Anderson on Sunday--appointment Monday morning. Fingers crossed, please. I love you guys.


Total Bullshit

Posted on: Wednesday 03/01/2017 07:11:27

It would make so much sense if I could just have this FOR her. This fucking sucks and I am about twenty minutes, or one, "How are you?" from a stranger, whichever comes first, before I lose my goddamn mind once and for all.

She's sick today. Her throat and chest hurts. Her appointment in Houston isn't until the 28th unless we can get our surgeon to nag them into getting her in faster. They think she has had it for two years. It's everywhere, including her spine--a revelation that literally brought me to my knees.

So, if I lose my shit and am locked away anytime soon, y'all be good. BBJ is in charge.



Posted on: Wednesday 02/22/2017 12:09:29

Her cancer is a rare thyroid cancer. Not lymphoma as we suspected. Lymphoma would be a day at the beach compared to the nightmare we're in right now. It is untreatable and stage 4. All they can do is remove as much as they can and she'll take pills for the rest of her life to hopefully hold the rest of the tumors at bay. 26% five-year survival rate. It's in her BONES.

Going to see a specialist in Lexington today.


Any Docs...

Posted on: Wednesday 02/01/2017 03:16:44

The reason they know it is lymphoma without having a biopsy first (although) they certainly will in a couple of weeks is that there are so MANY polyps, and the location of them. My doc read us the report and I don't have it in front of me but here are the keynotes:  Tumors presented like a necklace from posterial cervical to sub covicular (also forgive my spelling), with a huge one in her media stinum and several in the hilum region.

Snow? S&S? Bulldog?


Shitty News

Posted on: Wednesday 02/01/2017 11:23:53

Autumn has lymphoma, and it spreads from her neck to sternum to liver to pelvis. Her first oncology appointment is on the 9th unless the doc reviews her scans and can get her in earlier.

We are crushed but not down, she is terrified but ballsy, and we will all be okay.

Positive vibes for the A-Train, please.

Now make me laugh.


So, My Brother Sucks

Posted on: Monday 01/16/2017 08:18:44

My mom called me crying last night about something she saw on FB. A friend of Dave's was talking shit about him (understandable) and then started attacking her, and me. Really gross, sexual stuff. He fucked my mother (I'll spare you the paragraph long description) and "ate me out so hard..." Just seriously gross.

My fucking brother's response? "Hope you wore a condom." I went fucking nuts. How DARE this little puke say these things about us and my own brother is riffing? I was able to comment and said I am his sister and there is no chance he would say that shit to my face even if my brother is too much of an asshole to defend our honor I certainly am not, and neither is my husband. I took screenshots and put it on fb to publicly shame both of them.

My MOTHER calls me again, crying, because now I have escalated things and what if her friends or brother sees it??? I was like, Mom, we're the victims here. We have nothing to be ashamed of. And your attitude is exactly why rape victims or sexual harassment victims don't come forward, because they are worried about being embarrassed or anyone finding out. I did take it down, but she is still furious at me--way more so than Dave being a fucking dickhead.

Naturally, Dave started calling/texting and saying he was building up to a great joke about the guy who wrote the post having STDs until I came along and ruined it. I was like, "How can you let that shit stand while you gradually get around to telling a shitty joke?" He assures me everything was under control until I fucked it up and now wonders just how many times I have sabotaged his career over the years. I responded, "You are completely insane. Lose my number. We're done here."

Matt pretty much told him the same thing. He has completely lost his fucking mind and my goddamn mother is actually siding with him at this point. Of course. Jesus Christ. Jess, thanks for talking me down. I'm still furious but I'm not crying anymore.


Huge Bummer

Posted on: Friday 01/13/2017 05:08:30

I was at the store earlier and saw a little boy flop down on the floor and just put his chin in his hands. He was just chilling, apparently. He was with two elderly people--I'm assuming his great-grandparents. I asked him if he was swimming because he was kinda kicking his legs and he giggled and said, no, he was just there. Cool.

So he hopped up and grabbed me around the waist. Just a HUGE hug. I was like, "Well, hey, little man!" and hugged him back and he just wouldn't let go. He wanted me to pick him up and I could barely lift him so I put him down and asked him how old he was. He was five, almost six. He kept hugging me and naturally I hugged him back. I needed to get going and couldn't just stand there hugging this little guy all day so I leaned down to kiss him on the top of his head and squeeze him really hard so we could kinda wrap this show up, and that's when I saw the lice.

He had a buzz cut, thankfully, or I wouldn't have seen them, and there were only a few. The couple was standing there watching him and I unlatched the kid from me and whispered to the woman that he had lice and she started to cry. Now, y'all may know that I don't do well with seeing other people cry. I have to cry, too. I can't help it. But this one time I did not, and told her it was no biggie and I knew exactly what they needed. She goes, "We're trying our best," and just sobbed. Her voice cracked and I died inside, but I did not cry. I was like, "Look, our kid had it a couple years ago. It's not a big deal. And at least his hair is short. It will be super easy. Let me take him to get the stuff for it and let y'all finish shopping. I'll meet you in five minutes at aisle one." Remarkably, they agreed, and off we went. I never did catch his name but he stopped every few feet and hugged me and although I was cringing there was zero chance I was going to NOT hug him back. As we were walking away the man said, "Mommy and Daddy love you, son!" and I could barely breathe. I guaran-fucking-tee they are forced to raise their great grandkid because the kid's parents are on pills, meth or heroin. 100% positive. Bless their hearts. They HAD to be 80.

Anyway, I got the foam stuff and a house/bedding spray to kill any lice that might be lingering in their house and let him pick out a small toy and we waited for them after I paid for my stuff. They looked kinda broke and that lice shit ain't cheap so I was happy to buy it, but I mostly bought it because I KNOW what works and I want this behind them asap.

They met us there and he ran to them and hugged them, then ran back to me and hugged me again and I told him bye and split. The minute I was in my car I fucking lost it and bawled for ten minutes. Goddamn. Poor kid. And poor old folks trying their best in a super shitty situation. There is no way they can possibly see him to adulthood and my heart just breaks for all of them.

In happier news, I changed clothes immediately and am reasonably certain I didn't pick any bugs up. Those nasty fuckers don't jump, at least. They crawl, slowly, and I know what to look for (unfortunately) so at least I'm not freaking out about THAT.


I'm Sorry About SS

Posted on: Saturday 12/31/2016 04:58:08

I can't believe the goddamn gift I ordered twenty minutes after Matt told me who I drew has not arrived. I have emailed and keep getting told it is en route. Total bullshit.

I know no one cares about Phish, but they are doing their NYE show tonight and the word is they are going to have purple rain inside MSG. Like with lights, not real water. I don't think. But, who knows? I want to get well right fucking now so I can see it. I was hoping they would do Purple Rain at Halloween so I'm really hoping this rumor pans out.

Anyway, here's to a much better 2017! It can ONLY be, right? RIGHT? I love you all. Happy New Year.